I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
