I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
bring money and cleavage
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
