Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
