I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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