My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
as a side note pls kill me
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