Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
