Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
