I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
