note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Randomize
