I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
