Swine flu. Run for my life!
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
