just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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