i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
