We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
