i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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