I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
