walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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