with your own penis?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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