fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
