Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
