WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
try to milk me bitch
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
