So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
