Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
