sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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