Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
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Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
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Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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