so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
if only i could text you this smell
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
