idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
