There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
All I want is dick and wine.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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