Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
