I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He passed out mid-signature
two words...techno handjob
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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