After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I could have mohawked her pubes.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
