Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
