i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.