we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
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when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
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If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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