You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
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Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
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on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.