I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize