roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
