I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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