u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
