Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
