I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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