I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
