Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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