my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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