just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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