I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
