Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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