he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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