I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
