i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Randomize
