Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
