If i could tip my vagina, i would.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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