I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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