He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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