Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
