Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Randomize
