I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Shame - the story of my life.
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