I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
