I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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