i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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