So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
