I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just cropdusted the office
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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