it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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